Friday, December 28, 2012

Larry Bird's All-Star picks

My All-Star picks are fairly similar to Chucks, which is not that unexpected.  Over in the East, we came up with the same starters.  I don't think Bron or Melo need any introduction.  They'll be occupying those two spots for years to come.  Varejao has been having a career year, putting up 14&14, and is getting rewarded.  The Celtics haven't been too impressive, but Rondo is putting up career highs in points and assists (12 assists/game is crazy talk) and is generally the main reason the Celts stay competitive.  I went back and forth between Kyrie and Jrue for the last spot.  In the end, a combination of injuries, the Cavs stinking, and not seeing any rational way for the Cavs to have 2 starters, I had to go with the hometown hero Jrue.  Breakout season, and is doing his best to keep the Sixers relevant in spite of the massive 7-foot void in the middle of the team.  Kyrie will get a bench spot, with Tyson Chandler, Brandon Jennings, Joakim Noah and Bosh. 

We differed a little in the West.  Can't debate KDTrey.  ZBo has been quietly having a great year, forming probably the best frontcourt out there with Marc Gasol.  Tim Duncan, while not necessarily my favorite player, has rolled back the clock and is leading the Spurs, yet again, to one of the best records in the West.  Gotta give him recognition for that.  It boggles my mind Chuck would leave Chris Paul off the starters...Seriously, don't understand that one.  Best player and leader of the team with the best record in the L, and probably 3rd best overall player out there.  I don't need to get into it, but he's a starter.  Taking Harden for the last spot.  Got thrust into the limelight and has been handling it quite well, sitting 4th in the league in scoring.  Kobe has been playing some ridiculous ball, but I would rather reward the guy keeping his team in the playoff mix without having multiple All-Stars/HOFers.   Kobe can man the bench, with Ibaka, RussRuss, Blake, Aldridge, Lawson, Faried, Asik and more keeping him company. 

Don't need to go on a rant about it, but fan voting for starters is fucking stupid.  Just seeing Lin, Howard, Wade, and DWill at the top of the ballots says all that needs to be said about that. 

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Introducing the 2013 Edition of Chuck's Lucky Ducks

(click to enlarge)

Introducing your 2013 All-Star team as established by Charles Barkley himself.

In the West's Frontcourt: K. Smooth, Serge Ibaka and Z-Bo.  The West's Guards: The Black Mamba and Smooth J and Jeremiah.

In the East's Frontcourt: Melo, The Queen and Anderson Varejao.  The East's Guards: Jrue and Raging Rajon.

I'll list my omissions in order.

I had more trouble with the West's Frontcourt group than anywhere else.  Notable omissions to this group: Kevin Love (has been hurt, but one of my favorite players, Milk Chocolate) and Blake Griffin (he can fly!! and gave this up).  The West's guard omissions were Steph Curry (finally healthy) , Chris Paul (no links, he's a bitch) and OJ Mayo (having a career season).

In the East's Frontcourt, the only person I had trouble leaving out was Joakim Noah because I like keeping Wentz happy.  The East's guard omissions were Uncle Drew (seriously!?) and Brandon Jennings (playing for a contract).

I posted the current results to the voting below.  It is an absolute JOKE that fucking D. Wade has almost 600,000 more votes than Jrue Holiday.  It makes me want to sit on a thumbtack actually.  Jrue is playing 38 minutes per game with career highs in points, assists and 3 point % at 18.1, 8.8 and 35.5.  Couple that with 1.3 steals per and 4 boards while shooting 45% from the field and it is a crime against humanity that he isn't going to be making his first all-star appearance.

In the West, Dwight Howard has no business even sniffing at a chance for Houston based on this season and if you disagree, you're a moron.

Current totals according to

Frontcourt: LeBron James (Mia) 970,314; Carmelo Anthony (NYK) 891,759; Kevin Garnett (Bos) 328,716; Chris Bosh (Mia) 308,194; Tyson Chandler (NYK) 260,000; Paul Pierce (Bos) 171,601; Joakim Noah (Chi) 129,331; Josh Smith (Atl) 111,260; Anderson Varejao (Cle) 99,955; Amar'e Stoudemire (NYK) 90,996; Shane Battier (Mia) 88,800; Andrew Bynum (Phi) 84,939; Luol Deng (Chi) 76,400; Brook Lopez (BKN) 67,991; Jeff Green (Bos) 52,785.
Backcourt: Dwyane Wade (Mia) 645,875; Rajon Rondo (Bos) 574,272; Deron Williams (BKN) 309,778; Kyrie Irving (Cle) 258,193; Ray Allen (Mia) 195,142; Monta Ellis (Mil) 71,287; Raymond Felton (NYK) 66,745; Jrue Holiday (Phi) 56,683; Jason Terry (Bos) 52,833; Brandon Jennings (Mil) 49,122.
Frontcourt: Kevin Durant (OKC) 924,898; Dwight Howard (LAL) 616,150; Blake Griffin (LAC) 489,795; Tim Duncan (SA) 299,434; Pau Gasol (LAL) 197,377; Kevin Love (Min) 189,949; Omer Asik (Hou) 131,002; Rudy Gay (Mem) 125,562; Serge Ibaka (OKC) 111,963; Marc Gasol (Mem) 99,271; Zach Randolph (Mem) 97,778; LaMarcus Aldridge (Por) 97,090; Dirk Nowitzki (Dal) 93,491; Metta World Peace (LAL) 85,279; Chandler Parsons (Hou) 78,235.
Backcourt: Kobe Bryant (LAL) 977,444; Chris Paul (LAC) 542,564; Jeremy Lin (Hou) 496,133; James Harden (Hou) 283,691; Russell Westbrook (OKC) 232,074; Steve Nash (LAL) 166,262; Tony Parker (SA) 111,032; Ricky Rubio (Min) 96,466; Stephen Curry (GS) 78,380; Manu Ginobili (SA) 70,813.

Brooklyn Nets Fire Coach Avery Johnson

After losing 10 of their last 13 to drop to 14-14 on the year, Mikhail Prokhorov has fired Avery Johnson as coach of the Brooklyn Nets.  It seems comments from Deron Williams a little over a week ago about Avery Johnson's offense not being as effective as the one he ran for Jerry Sloan in Utah were taken to heart by the obviously heavy handed Russian billionaire.

EDIT: In an absolutely shocking announcement, Prokhorov has announced that minority "owner", Jay-Z, will take over as Head Coach effective immediately.

Sessions Takes a Stiletto to the Balls from D. Wade

Fashionista, D. Wade, decided to paint his nails and wear his stilettos in Charlotte last night and Ramon Sessions paid the price.

D. Wade is such a little bitch.

No Melo? No Problem. Knicks have JR Smith.

With Carmelo Anthony out unexpectedly with a hyperextended left knee, the man with one of the more impressive set of tattoos in the league knew what he had to do... J.R. Smith took out Goran Dragic, the Suns' best player, on a dirty "accidental" foul then went ahead and tied and won the game in the last 11 seconds with two shots that would make Nick Young proud.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Rematch, round 1

BronBron over KD in the Christmas Day showcase game, which lived up to all the Finals rematch hype.  Miami got out to a quick double-digit lead, which everyone knew wouldn't last.  The teams played a high level of basketball the entire game, providing some great highlights as seen above.  Brons putback is viscious, and KD's pump fake to bank shot is just bonkers.  The game got chippy, as you would expect, with RussRuss getting heated over a tough foul during the midst of his wild layup clinic.  I don't think there was as much to that as Russ made it seem; even small fouls will send you falling down when you're playing at 10,000mph.  It wasn't malicious, Battier got ball on the way up.  He also earned a stupid tech late for complaining about a missed foul call.  But they didn't lose because of him.  Miami (led by lots of surprise Chalmers baskets) stayed in control for the late portions of the game, wrapping things up with a Bron dime to our boy Bosh, while the Thunder missed a bunch of shots in the late goings.  Outside of maybe the Clippers, I don't think there's any doubt these are the best two teams in basketball, led by the best two plays in KD and Bron.  Hopefully there's another rematch in June.

In other notes:
  • Boston bushwacked BKNY, complimented by the usual Garnett-Wallace scrum.  I don't know where their rivalry came from but it's great.  Would make a fantastic playoff series.
  • Deron Williams, where are you? 
  • Lakers over Knicks, with a near-triple double from Nash.  Surprise surprise, they play better with him there.  I'm not really sure what this says about either team, but the Lakers look like they could be rounding into form.  Hopefully not, but they might be. 
  • Rockets over Bulls in a game that was over in the first quarter (20-18 from Asik?!).  Didn't watch. 
  • Clips with win #13 on the hop.  Magic called them Showtime, and they have the best record in the L.  They are not to be taken lightly.  As I said, probably the only team challenging the Thunder and Heat for the top 2 spots. 

Friday, December 21, 2012

Amir Johnson, Making Good Decisions Since... Never.

I can't think of anything I'd rather get shaved into my head than the logo of my basketball team, which happens to be the laughing stock of the league.  Amir Johnson is KILLING it in 2012.

PS Are those business tats?

K. Smooth's End of the World Trick Shot

Whelp, since today is the end of the world and whatnot, K. Smooth decided to go out on top last night with 33 points on 12/21 from the field, 7 rebounds, 6 assists, 3 steals and this insane trick shot:

Pity that Russ Russ was 9/28 from the field with 8 (!) Turnovers.  Dude just does not get it sometimes.  You're playing with the best scorer in the game.  You don't need to force everything and you certainly don't need to be taking 7 more shots in a game.  K. Love and JJ Fresh ended the Thunder's 12 game win streak with a smooth 99-93 win.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

LeBron vs. Durant

Kemp's Nose Hoes needs to get his head on straight.  K. Smooth is playing out of his mind.  His all around game is miles ahead of where it was last year.  Just look at what he did to the Hawks last night.  60% from the field, 50% from 3, 90% from the line, 41 points, 13 boards, 3 assists and 2 blocks.

K. Smooth has to win a title, but when compared to LeBron, we are getting dangerously close to not only saying K. Smooth is a better scorer, but a comparable, if not better overall player.  Let's look at the 9 major statistical categories:

FG%           LeBron 53%      K. Smooth 51%        Small Advantage LeBron
FT%           LeBron 68%       K. Smooth 90%        Huge Advantage K. Smooth
PPG            LeBron 25.2       K. Smooth 27.7         Small Advantage K. Smooth
RPG            LeBron 8.5         K. Smooth 8.5          Push
APG            LeBron 6.9         K. Smooth 4.2          Advantage LeBron
Steals           LeBron 1.3         K. Smooth  1.5        More or Less, Push
Blocks         LeBron 0.9          K. Smooth 1.5         Small advantage K. Smooth
Turnovers    LeBron 2.5          K. Smooth 3.5         Small advantage LeBron
3 Point %    LeBron 42.3%     K. Smooth 43.5%    More or Less, Push

The numbers speak for themselves.  The categories LeBron used to dominate over Smooth, FG%, Rebounding and Assists are now either even or extremely close.  LeBron's Free Throw Percentage remains a stain on his game while K. Smooth really doesn't have a category that is overly weak.  I know statistics can't tell the whole story, especially defensively where you'd have to take LeBron over K. Smooth (based on 1-on-1 defense), but they can paint a pretty good picture.

PLUS K. Smooth has starred in a feature film.  What has LeBron done in Hollywood?  Nothing.

I have wet dreams every single night about a rematch of last year's finals.  Please, please, please, Stern, have your minions match us with LeBron and K. Smooth again in June.


Gerald Green can jump out of the goddamn building.

Ew.  Ridiculous.  Not even fair.  Ksmoov going HAMM this year.

One more from KDTrey.  Perfect demonstration of why Josh Smith won't be a superstar. 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Top 5 - Bottom 3 (Week 1)

Welcome to the newest weekly feature here at the Club.. the Top 5 & Bottom 3. Each week we will determine the absolute cream of the NBA crop, as well as determine the bottom dwellers raping the other franchises via revenue sharing.

Got beef with our rankings? Let us know what you think. Got serious beef with the rankings? Get the F out da Club. Now without further ado, the best and worst the National Basketball Association has to offer...

Top 5

1. Miami Heat (Record: 16-6)
The defending champs have had minimal bumps thus far in their title defense. Lack of interest in the regular season could be this team's only weakness(other than depth in the frontcourt, but I digress). LeBron & Co. are simply waiting for the postseason to begin to dominate the Eastern Conference with their #1 seed and home court throughout the playoffs.

2. Oklahoma City Thunder (20-4)
The Thunder deserve to be in the number one spot with their stellar play and impressive game of early MVP Kevin Durant. Last year's failures in the NBA Finals still seem more important than records through a 1/4th of this season, thus landing OKC at #2. The NBA Finals rematch on Christmas day against Miami will likely determine next week's top team.

3. Los Angeles Clippers (18-6)
Lob City has come out of the gate very sharp and have put up W's to match their sexy play. While NBA fans love seeing Blake Griffin jump out the building on a regular basis, Vinny Del Negro is doing something right with his roster and has put together an impressive 10 game winning streak. The Clips are currently reigning supreme in the Staples Center and are very much a contender for the title.

4. Memphis Grizzlies (16-6)
The Griz are the surprise of the NBA right now and are playing similarly to their playoff run two seasons ago.  Z-Bo is quietly putting up MVP numbers for his squad, averaging 17 points and almost 13 rebounds a game (good for 2nd best in the NBA). Rudy Gay, the other Gasol, and Mike Conley round out a core group of players that could challenge in the West.

5. New York Knicks (18-6)
As a 76ers fan, it pains me to put the Knickerbockers in the top five. Their play and stratospheric shooting numbers (averaging 12 three's made per game, by far best in the league) have the island of Manhattan excited about the Knicks chances for the first time in a long time. The imminent return of Amar'e will disrupt the teams rhythm and the inevitable decline in shooting % will doom the team.. but for now Knicks fans enjoy the VIP, the champagne, and being labeled as one of the best in the Club. 

Bottom 3

1. Washington Wizards (Record: 3-19)
The Wiz kids currently sit in the cellar with only three wins approaching Christmas. Injuries to stars John Wall and Nene certainly haven't helped this helpless franchise, but a winning percent of .136 is inexcusable. Washington has started 11 different players already this season, with neither Wall or Nene being one of them. Eleven!

2. Charlotte Bobcats (7-17)
The doormat of the association since 2004, Charlotte's NBA team is so bad most people think they still have a different animal as a mascot. The Hornets, er, Bobcats, started the season strong with seven wins, but are winless since beating the Wizards in OT around Thanksgiving. The Bobcats are currently caught in a losing streak of 12 games, making them an easy choice for the bottom three. Twelve!

3. Phoenix Suns (10-15)
While teams like New Orleans and Cleveland have much worse records than the Suns, those teams can at least attribute poor play to injuries to stars (i.e. Uncle Drew's broken hand, the Unibrow's busted ankle). The Suns lack star power, unless Marcin Gortat arouses you, and the majority of their wins are against the trash of the NBA. The Suns wins include Cleveland (twice), Detroit, Charlotte, New Oreleans, etc. The Suns, like all NBA teams, are permitted to have 13 players on their active roster. Thirteen!

Good Evenin' Bitches

I would personally like to thank Club Bosh for the opportunity to hate on all you hoes, markass marks, trickass marks, punk bitches, skip skaps, skanks, and scallywags.

Now that the Club has been graced with my presence, I only have a few things to say. First, keep my name outcha mouth. Dont event think about asking bout my kids, it aint yo problem. Finally, anybody know of any Tony Montana type muthafuckas in da club? I'm always lookin to party.

Well if you got the goods .. step over to my table. If you aint got none, feast yo eyes on me embarassin bitches..

Welcome the newest member of the VIP

Ladies and gentlemen, big things going on up in Da Club tonight! The man himself, Chris Bosh AKA the bostrich AKA champagne cassanova AKA cocaine biceps AKA random guy, has extended a personal invitation to the mythical creature known as Kemp's Nose Hoes.  You read right.  The line has been skipped, the velvet rope opened, cover unpaid, coat checked...and now a seat in the VIP awaits.  Let's get the party started.  Hit it, KBubz!

Kenny Loses His Lunch

George Karl had just gotten done yelling at Kenny Faried last night and it was so traumatizing that this is how Kenny reacted:

Poor guy.  Kenny went for 19 and 11 last night in the Nuggets 112-106 win over the NBA's new bad boiz, but that just wasn't good enough for Big George.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Oh shit (Part 3)

While avenging an embarassing loss to the Pistons from November, yaboi Jrue Holiday took the time to fold Brandom Knight in half (possibly assisted by Hawes) and drain the J.  Nice exclamation point to the win.  These are the games the 123456ers have to win if they want any hope of a playoff spot sans Frederick Douglass

While we're here, go take a minute and vote Jrue to the All-Star team.  Putting up 18-9-4 (Third, behind only Rondo and CP3 in assists!) and keeping the hopes of Philadelphia alive. 

Steph Curry Giving Uncle Drew a Run for his Money

Love when Steph Curry is healthy.  He has a sticky handle and a smooth jumper.  Makes me wet.

This video also is a perfect instructional tool on what not to do on the defensive end of the floor.  Thanks, MJ, for letting the fellas put this together for us.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Let's Be Honest....

Shut up, Twitter. Larry Bird could drink Lebron under the table.

Really, the Pelicans?

Double super-secret sources say that the New Orleans Hornets are set to change their name to the Pelicans. Apparently, it's the state bird, and there used to be a minor league baseball team in N'Awlins called the Pelicans. Pretty weird.

Quentin Tarantino, Martin Scorsese, Oliver Stone... Kevin Love?

Writer, Directer, Star... Kevin Love.  Milk Chocolate will be performing in da club every Thursday and Friday until Christmas.  Bring your honeys on this side of the velvet rope and let K Bubz and his smooth jazz loosen them up.

 I can't put my finger on why I think this is so funny, but it is the best thing I've seen in at least 9 days.

JJ Barea blowing kisses literally made me fall out of my chair. 

PS Nikola Pekovic has some weird neck flexing going on.

Spurs Gone Wild!

It appears the old man squad down in the Alamo still has some life in them.  Club Bosh reporters in the field captured this picture showing The Big Fundamental and The French Cuckolder getting their studio gangster on, pointing guns at somebody dressed as Joey Crawford.  This photo came just minutes before Tony Parker no doubt slept with both that man and Tim Duncan's wives.  Also take note of TP's eyepatch, courtesy of Chris Brown and Baby Thighs.  You know the Bear Jew is going to come down hard on this one.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Weekend Jams

Moe Harkless is lucky he didn't get the patented Metta elbow after being on the receiving end of a dunk like that from the artist formally known as Ron Artest.

Ya boi, K. Smoove, with the thunderdunk over the shitty Lopez brother.

Last but certainly not least, Smooth J and Jeremiah got theirs over 14 year old, Gordan Hayward.

This Just In! Pau Gasol is Soft!

Well Kobe is at it again.  In the twilight of his career, he has made it completely obvious that he is going to say whatever he wants, whenever he wants.  After his Lakers lost to the horrendous Orlando Magic last night, 113-103, he said he was going to "kick everybody's ass" if things didn't change.  He also called out everyone's favorite marshmallow, Pau Gasol, saying he needs to toughen up.

When Big Baby Davis is rejecting you at the rim and you're 7 feet tall, I'd say your ass deserves to sit on the end of the bench in the fourth quarter.

'Sheed Doin' 'Sheed: First "Ball Don't Lie" Ejection

Crime against humanity, what the refs did to 'Sheed yesterday.  This better not be signifying the end of the "Ball don't lie" era.  David Stern needs to step in here.  If they are trying to remove "Ball don't lie" from the NBA, they are going to remove some fans, too; including this one.

Not really, but I love issuing ultimatums.  Fuck you, Stern.